I'm not sure I can study and learn like I used to be able to. In my old AP classes, I'd have tons of stuff to read and write about in one or two nights. In college I'd have long weekly homework assignments, with research and complicated equations. My mind has, relatively untested, gone soft. I can't write as well, as cohesively and comprehensively. I don't remember little facts that could end up being very important. Now the class is Medical Terminology, something I'm a little familiar with but not in nearly this much detail. My job will make studying parts of it a little simpler, and my job skills will be better, but I'm not used to cramming as much as I need to in a short period of time anymore. What happened to my high school days? Am I old now?

Survival

This is something I wrote a while ago on a different blog....

How do so many people survive with their burdens of guilt and pain? Who hurt someone they loved, who can never forgive themselves for _____, who feel that they are the reason for their pain? How do they live? Is it even living? To know that it was your fault someone died, or even to think it was your fault. The man who thought he was ok to drive, he'd only had one drink, and thenWHAM. The world changes. The family members may hate him for the rest of their lives. He may hate himself, never trust himself, cut off his attachment with anyone he may hurt until....he's completely alone in the world. And why live?I don't understand how someone in so much pain and agony and inner turmoil manages to live from day to day. I'm not saying they should all die, I'm simply marveling at the part of the human psyche that survives no matter what. Even if they lose their legs. Even if they lose their loved ones.Even if their country takes everything away from them and tortures them, like Hitler and Stalin did to millions. How did they keep living, through all that hell? How did they keep living when they had to return to the world that continued to function without them?How can all of us carry around our baggage of hurt and sadness and anger, pain, self-loathing, the things we can never tell anyone, the things we can't even put into words, though the phantoms of thought hover over all we do....how can we still live and breathe and even create the beauty that is life at its best?We pour ourselves into work, or sports, or a bottle, trying to find the thing that will keep us alive, keep us going, let us survive one more day. Anything to distract us from those memories, those thoughts, those vultures circling above our heads, waiting for us to give in.Maybe simply by trying, we are alive.

Kitten

I have wanted a new kitty since I "lost" Edward. Going to my family's house and having Tigger there was definitely good, but I want a kitten of my own, to play with and raise and have there for me when I get home from work. So in a couple of weeks (after the next paycheck comes in and the money I've been saving up is enough to put down the desposit plus get the needed supplies and vet care) I will be going to the shelter to see if I fall in love with one. Knowing me, I will want to bring them all home. But I hope one stands out like Edward did, crawling into my hands and heart. I need a ball of purring fur to curl up with again.

I know I've been MIA for a while, but things are going well.

I'm working full time, which is good and bad. I like my job but never realized how many stupid and/or snobbish people there are in the world. There are inconsiderate jerks as well as people who think that I have no education because I work at a pharmacy. Please don't believe that! There are different levels of education back there and obviously the techs don't know as much as the pharmacists, but I bet you I know more about drugs and what they do and how to take them and have dealt with more insurance than you. We work very hard back there to keep things running, to get your perscriptions filled correctly and quickly. We make very few mistakes, partly because of all the checks and double checks that your perscription go through. We aren't the Mcdonalds drive through, getting your order of burgers and fries! Sometimes we don't have enough of the drug that you need, just like things run out at the grocery store. Sometimes we have to call the doctor for refills or because we simply couldn't read their handwriting. In those cases it's because we are doing our best to get a good product to you! Respect the people who are serving you.

Sorry, that was a sideline. I'm almost finished with the two classes I took this fall, planning on taking a Certified Nurses Assistant class this spring, and starting college full time again soon. Sometimes I wish I was back in Russia, where I was a year ago, because there are so many things I miss. Hoping to be back in Europe at some point in the near future, but right now finishing school is kind of more important.

I'm trying to get back in touch with people, so many things have happened in the past year and I'm all out of the loop. So if you still read this, tell me whats going on with you!

Prince Edward of Persia

The Ninja cat. After a week of trying to get pictures of him in action and failing, this is what I have of his few tame moments.

I can't sleep. Anyone surprised?

New job: If you have AT&T and have in issue with your phone or bill, you'll be calling me...

Kolob Canyon

Isn't лиса (Lisa) a beauty? And she drives so well...
In Zion National Park. Took a drive and a short hike, as well as plenty of pictures. Wish I could have caught one of the cute lizards!

Guess where I am? Nope, not anywhere near Europe, despite this architecture. I'm actually in Cedar City, UT. Every summer they hold a Shakespeare Festival here. Of course I'd love to be in Europe, but right now this will have to do. Already spent some time just sitting in there and reading. The SUU bell tower.

The bells were made in the Netherlands and actually ring every hour. Makes me feel at home.

To survive

How do so many people survive with their burdens of guilt and pain? Who hurt someone they loved, who can never forgive themselves for _____, who feel that they are the reason for their pain? How do they live? Is it even living? To know that it was your fault someone died, or even to think it was your fault. The man who thought he was ok to drive, he'd only had one drink, and then
WHAM. The world changes. The family members may hate him for the rest of their lives. He may hate himself, never trust himself, cut off his attachment with anyone he may hurt until....he's completely alone in the world. And why live?
I don't understand how someone in so much pain and agony and inner turmoil manages to live from day to day. I'm not saying they should all die, I'm simply marveling at the part of the human psyche that survives no matter what. Even if they lose their legs. Even if they lose their loved ones.
Even if their country takes everything away from them and tortures them, like Hitler and Stalin did to millions. How did they keep living, through all that hell? How did they keep living when they had to return to the world that continued to function without them?
How can all of us carry around our baggage of hurt and sadness and anger, pain, self-loathing, the things we can never tell anyone, the things we can't even put into words, though the phantoms of thought hover over all we do....how can we still live and breathe and even create the beauty that is life at its best?
We pour ourselves into work, or sports, or a bottle, trying to find the thing that will keep us alive, keep us going, let us survive one more day. Anything to distract us from those memories, those thoughts, those vultures circling above our heads, waiting for us to give in.
Maybe simply by trying, we are alive.

HENNA

I'm not obsessed, per say.....I just REALLY like henna. Look it up. It'll make you wish you were an artist, too.

Hawaii

My wonderful boyfriend brought me to Hawaii, where he is working for a month (I know, poor baby.) I've been taking advantage of the sun and ocean for a week now! Went to the southernmost point in the USA, ate fresh papaya, hiked through a volcano crater, and otherwise enjoyed myself immensely. Aloha!

Things I miss

Crepes
Borsch
Those strange orange fruit
Tea with every meal
Riding the metro
Having the metro for transportation
People watching on the metro
Mashrutkas when the metro was too far
Alyona
Yelena
My two little brothers
My two Russian friends
My Russian friends trying to speak English
Christie the kitty
Trying to speak Russian
Having people try to understand my Russian
Trying to interpret Russian
Reading Russian but not understanding it
Finding people who spoke English
Visiting amazing museums
Visiting churches
Lighting candles for my people
Church singing
Random mixes of architecture
Walking the city at night
Nevsky Prospekt
Bridges
Russian fashion
Russian coats
Russian boots
Feeling like somehow I belonged

My Senior pic at a castle in Germany

Updates, since Russia

(Me at the Artillery Museum)
I apologize for not updating this at all for so long, things have been rather chaotic. I'm still in Omaha, with my family. I've missed most of the new year due to a migraine that has yet to be fixed after a CT scan, MRI, and many different drugs. Trying to get into life again slowly, my body is exhausted and the level of fitness I had when I got back from Russia is long gone after a month of being in bed. My current school interests lie in nursing and International Relations...pretty much the same as before. And someday I will live and work in India. In the meantime, I'll settle for being able to think clearly for an entire day.

Peterhof-famous gardens

My second parents